Understanding Grief

The death of someone important can bring many different and sometimes conflicting responses. Alongside sadness and longing, people may experience anger, guilt, regret, relief, numbness, anxiety, disbelief or a sense of disconnection from the world around them.

Grief can also affect sleep, concentration, motivation, relationships, confidence, decision-making, work, everyday responsibilities, identity and a person’s sense of purpose or safety.

For some people, these experiences gradually become more manageable. For others, grief may remain intense or become increasingly difficult to integrate into everyday life.

Different Losses, Different Experiences of Grief

Grief is not determined by how other people view a loss. The significance of a relationship, the circumstances surrounding the death and what that relationship represented in your life can all influence how grief is experienced.

Loss of a partner, family member or friend can bring significant changes to everyday life, relationships, identity and future plans. Grief may be particularly complex when the relationship was close, dependent, conflicted or unresolved.

Pet loss can be profound. For many people, an animal is a companion, family member and important source of comfort, routine and emotional connection. The death of a pet can leave a significant absence in everyday life. Grief may also be complicated by decisions surrounding euthanasia, including guilt or uncertainty about whether the right decision was made.

Grief following suicide can involve additional layers of shock, trauma, unanswered questions, anger, guilt and self-blame. People may repeatedly revisit events or conversations and wonder whether something could have been noticed, said or done differently. The circumstances of the death can sometimes become so prominent that there is little space to grieve the person and the relationship itself.

Disenfranchised grief describes grief that may not be fully recognised, understood or supported by other people. This may occur following the death of an ex-partner, estranged family member, friend, colleague, former partner or someone where the significance of the relationship was private or not known to others. It can also occur with pet loss and other losses that society may unintentionally minimise.

Grief can also be complicated when the relationship with the person who died was difficult. A person may grieve someone they loved while also carrying anger, hurt, disappointment or unresolved experiences from the relationship. Bereavement does not automatically resolve complicated relationships, and grief does not require remembering someone only positively.

Some people also experience anticipatory grief before a death occurs, particularly when someone they care about is living with a terminal illness, dementia or significant deterioration in health. This can involve grieving changes in the relationship, future losses and the life that was expected while the person is still alive.

Whatever the relationship or circumstances, the significance of a loss does not need to be justified for grief to be valid.

Complex and Complicated Grief

The terms complex grief and complicated grief are often used to describe grief experiences that are particularly persistent, intense or intertwined with other emotional and psychological experiences.

Grief can become more complex when a death is sudden, unexpected or traumatic, or where there have been multiple significant losses. The death of a child or young person, suicide, unresolved circumstances surrounding a death, limited support, previous trauma, or a difficult, conflicted or estranged relationship with the person who died may also influence how grief is experienced.

Sometimes a person may feel unable to move forward while also fearing that doing so would mean leaving the person they loved behind.

Prolonged Grief Disorder is a recognised clinical condition involving persistent and significantly impairing grief responses. However, experiencing grief for a long period does not in itself mean that grief is abnormal or that a person has a mental health disorder.

Understanding the individual, their relationship with the person who died and the circumstances surrounding the loss is an important part of determining what support may be helpful.

When Grief and Trauma Overlap

Bereavement and trauma can sometimes occur together, particularly when a death was sudden, violent, unexpected or associated with distressing circumstances.

A person may be grieving the relationship while also experiencing intrusive memories, avoidance, heightened anxiety, guilt, anger or distress associated with how the person died.

In these circumstances, therapy may need to consider both the grief and the traumatic experience surrounding the loss, rather than treating them as separate experiences.

Grief Is Not Only About Death

Although grief is commonly associated with bereavement, we can experience grief in response to many forms of loss and significant life change.

The loss of a job or career can affect financial security, confidence, identity, routine and a sense of purpose. This may occur following redundancy, workplace changes, illness or disability, or leaving a profession that has been an important part of a person's identity.

The end of a relationship, separation or divorce can involve grieving not only the relationship itself, but also shared routines, friendships, family connections, financial security and the future that had been imagined together.

Changes within families can also bring experiences of loss. Children leaving home, changes in parenting roles or becoming an empty nester can bring pride and happiness alongside sadness, loneliness or uncertainty about identity and purpose. These emotions can coexist.

Retirement can similarly represent both an achievement and a significant transition. Leaving employment may mean losing established routines, professional identity, social connections, responsibility and a sense of being needed. Adjusting to retirement can involve redefining purpose and considering what the next stage of life will look like.

Grief may also accompany changes associated with ageing, illness or disability, including changes in independence, mobility, physical abilities, relationships, employment or plans for the future.

Other losses may be less visible. Changes in friendships, moving away from a familiar community, loss of financial security, infertility, miscarriage, changes in caring roles, loss of independence, or recognising that an expected future will not occur can all carry a genuine experience of grief.

Sometimes what is being grieved is not only what has been lost, but the life, identity, relationship or future that a person expected to have.

Recognising these experiences as loss can be important. You do not need to compare your grief with someone else's or decide whether your loss is significant enough to deserve support.

Grief Support at Ocean Blue Social Work & Counselling

Grief and bereavement is a special interest area within my clinical mental health social work practice.

I work therapeutically with adults experiencing a broad range of bereavement experiences, from adjusting to a recent death through to complex, complicated or prolonged grief, and grief that intersects with trauma, mental health concerns, relationship difficulties or significant changes in identity and life circumstances.

My approach is compassionate, trauma-informed and individually tailored. Therapy focuses on understanding your experience rather than imposing expectations about how you should grieve.

Grief does not need to be “fixed”. Sometimes support is about finding a way to live alongside loss while remaining connected to what and who matters to you.

“My grief says that I dared to love, that I allowed another to enter the very core of my being and find a home in my heart. Grief is akin to praise; it is how the soul recounts the depth to which someone has touched our lives. To love is to accept the rites of grief.”
― Francis Weller

Grief and Loss